George W. Bush underwent an operation late last night to remove a small tumor from his prefrontal cortex. The tumor had been causing him to suffer from delusions such as hearing God tell him to free the people of Iraq and to believe that global warming doesn’t exist.
Bush woke up from the surgery early this morning and is already coherent and talking with his wife and daughters. He told Laura that the first thing he does when he gets out of the hospital is to apologize to the people of Iraq and withdraw forces as soon as possible. He said that because of the tumor he was under the impression that he was in a movie where he was responsible for avenging his father after a failed assassination attempt by Saddam Hussein. He was also being spoken to by Jesus who told him to free the people of Iraq and to clear all the brush from his land.
Bush also plans to correct a lot of his previous Presidential decisions since they were made while he wasn’t in full control of his faculties. His ban on government funded stem-cell research is going to be overturned as well as his veto of SCHIP.
Bush said shortly after waking up, “I don’t talk too good and because of this people think I’m ignorant. Talking in front of people hurts my head bone. I want to assure the American people that the odd decisions I made during my terms in office were cause by this brain tumor, not my speech (sic) inperdiments. I will use the time left in my term to try and correct things and put America back on the path to being great again. Again, I am sorry for being such a giant douche bag over the last 7 years.”