While channel surfing the last few nights I’ve come across people like Peter Popoff peddling miracles. Real, genuine, certified, miracles. A lot of religious people don’t notice it but they are being marketed to like never before. What appears to them as preaching is to an outsider an obvious pitch for whatever snake oil they’re selling. Here are some of the more ridiculous miracle products either being sold or given away in the hopes for a “contribution” to help spread the good word.
Miracle Spring Water
This water will help your recieve your miracle. I don’t know how but it might help if you have a urinary tract problem. Maybe you pour it on whatever needs the miracle. I would suggest warming it to body temperature before using it as a Extenze alternative. The shrinkage will cancel out any effects from the miracle.
Miracle Green Handkerchief
I don’t know what the hell this is about. Apparently you can use this green handkerchief as a worm hole or something to connect you to your miracle. To me it looks like something cheap to make and light to ship that can possibly hook some poor old woman into sending half of her social security check to them.
Miracle Manna Bread Stuff
This is some bread that grants miracles. A piece of fucking bread. I would have at least espected a bagel. They call it manna though so WOW players will want it.
Ezekiel 4:9 Cereal
I saw some of this at my local grocery store. Apparently the bible is also a great cookbook. This stuff looks like it tastes like ground up leather shoes. With raisins!
Miracle Lord’s Prayer Necklace
Now this is just getting ridiculous. Using the miraculous powers of a goddam magnifying glass you can read a tiny version of the lord’s prayer. Are religious people so anti-science that magnifying glasses freak them the fuck out? It’s refracted light! Quick, throw some miracle spring water at it!
Well there’s the list so far. I’m sure there’s more but I’m too busy rocking out to this sweet Christian rock compliation I ordered off the TV.