Just how hot is this MILF? That’s all I need to know to make an educated decision.

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CNN has a report about the United States canceling plans for installing a missile defense shield in Europe. A Polish Ministry of Defense spokeswoman said, “This is catastrophic for Poland.” The only reason this is catastrophic is because they won’t be getting any of the billions and billions of dollars Bush and Co. promised them in the misguided attempt to blow tons of cash on a pointless system to help give people the illusion of safety. Security theater on a continental scale. My opinion? Fuck Poland and Bush’s missile shield. Another mistake in the tsunami of mistakes known as the Bush Administration. Good riddance. I can’t wait for Cheney to go on T.V. saying how this will doom us all. If you’re not afraid then Dick Cheney isn’t happy. He feeds on your fear and aborted baby fetuses. Apparently they are high in fiber.

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While at the Iowa State Fair this summer in the Varied Industries Building the Creationist Museum had a large booth featuring a hilarious mural of zebras, giraffes, and humans hanging out with dinosaurs. They had a large box full of little propaganda booklets that I acquired to give myself a chuckle and thought some of my readers might enjoy them as well. I’m going to show just the covers and give a little description since I can’t legally share a copy with all of you. The only major arguments made for their belief is quotes from the bible which any self-respecting person knows was written by goat herders during the Bronze Age and manipulated by Kings and churches through the years so it should be taken with a grain of salt. They didn’t even get their Messiah’s name or birthday correct so how can anything else in that book be seen as credible?

Actually it was billions of years. Unless you're a Scientologist then the universe has been around for trillions. Hail Xenu!

This book covers how we’re too dumb to understand God’s ways so the 6 days of creation and resting on the 7th don’t actually mean days because God can’t communicate clearly or something. It includes an awesome illustration of the garden of Eden perched on top of a mountain of people and dinosaur bones because since they know for a fact that the garden of Eden existed before God got around to making the animals for Adam to name it’s just silly to think about dinosaurs existing before 6000 years ago. If God is all-powerful and all-knowing why does he need to take a break? It actually hurt my brain reading this booklet.

If he was the first generation after Adam and Eve where did his lady friend come from?

In this book Ken Ham takes 29 pages trying to explain how Cain fucked his sister but that’s alright because God said so and that since Adam was perfect genetically all the problems involved with incest were minimal. I however find it funny that Christians are all perfectly fine with the fact that we’re all a bunch of inbred decedents from a bunch of brothers fucking their sisters. Also Adam lived to be 930 so he had a shitload of kids. I wasn’t aware that they had Viagra back then. With all Adam’s kids fucking each other it must have looked a lot like rural Arkansas.

Yes. Yes, it does.

This book is a little higher on the brain scale than these other travesties of proper thinking. It begins with an honest to goodness explanation of atoms, how carbon isotopes decay and their half lives. Then it gets into how scientists are assuming the earth is billions of year old and since this assumption is wrong it throws off the carbon dating math. This is an incredible example of bending real science to fit mythological beliefs. Most people don’t have strong backgrounds in science due to the absolutely terrible state of the public education system and when someone they trust starts burying reality under pseudoscience they often can’t tell the difference and take it as fact. It’s the same reason people believe the crap they see on their cable news channels. They lack the critical thinking skills to make up their own mind so they enjoy it when someone makes it up for them. I’m looking at you Faux News.

If so, where did all the water go? God drank it.

This book is hilarious. It claims that before the flood there was only one big continent so the animals could have easily walked to the Ark simply because God told them to. It also claims that only 16,000 to 35,000 animals were on board the ark and the rest (fish, insects, etc…) could have ridden out the storm on their own. Dinosaurs were definitely on board but “probably weren’t fully grown”. I would hope not. I’ve seen Jurassic Park 2 and know what a fully grown T-Rex can do to a ship. The reason fossil records are “wrong” is because the global flood buried everything very quickly. Also, God made man, but in his infinite wisdom made him wicked and therefore he had to kill everyone he had created. Makes perfect sense, but that might just be my wicked mind being manipulated by Satan.

They got tired of being vegans and ate each other after the flood.

Since the Bible is 100% fact and God created the animals with Adam and Eve on the sixth day he had to have created dinosaurs at the same time. Anything else doesn’t make sense! Obviously. It also discusses how sea monster legends and dragon myths are just bad information passed down over the years about dinosaurs hanging out with people. Also, after the great flood God said go ahead and eat animals so man and the other animals hunted them to extinction. It was a good thing they were saved on the Ark so they could be killed off later in a most delicious manner. The Flintstones are the most accurate representation of mankind’s history ever put on television.

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None of these people are qualified to tell you what to believe.

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Everyone’s in their corner and the bell’s about to ring. You’re right where they want you.

Who’s gonna lie the loudest?

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South Carolina Rep. Joe Wilson couldn’t hold his load last night during Obama’s extremely reasonable speech about health care to a joint session of congress and yelled out “You Lie!” when Obama mentioned how illegals won’t be covered in the bill. I noticed in his photo that he’s not wearing a flag pin. Why does he hate America? Why won’t he answer questions about Glenn Beck raping and murdering a young girl in 1990 or that Sean Hannity and Rush Limbaugh had a homosexual affair during a conservative retreat in the Smokey Mountains back in 1985? He’s hiding something and he’s also a tremendous douche bag.

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Buy this or don't

Show that you have faith in the Lord and come up and put a dollar in the box. If you don’t we’re canceling Christmas. Religion is used to manipulate, to entrap, and destroy your ability to think critically but its main purpose appears to be to enrich the powerful.

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As everyone knows Glenn Beck raped and murdered a girl back in 1990. This has been proven to be 100 percent fact*. During the recent uproar on the interwebs over how such an awful human being could be let loose on the streets, let alone given a cable news program some people managed to dig up his mugshot from his arrest. Some people I know emailed me a copy and I’m bringing it to you here first.

What a monster.

*might not be

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Seriously, Obama isn’t going to use mind control to turn your precious snowflake into a mindless Muslim killing machine. You probably already have them half way to being a mindless Christian killing machine.

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