While at the Iowa State Fair this summer in the Varied Industries Building the Creationist Museum had a large booth featuring a hilarious mural of zebras, giraffes, and humans hanging out with dinosaurs. They had a large box full of little propaganda booklets that I acquired to give myself a chuckle and thought some of my readers might enjoy them as well. I’m going to show just the covers and give a little description since I can’t legally share a copy with all of you. The only major arguments made for their belief is quotes from the bible which any self-respecting person knows was written by goat herders during the Bronze Age and manipulated by Kings and churches through the years so it should be taken with a grain of salt. They didn’t even get their Messiah’s name or birthday correct so how can anything else in that book be seen as credible?

Actually it was billions of years. Unless you're a Scientologist then the universe has been around for trillions.

Actually it was billions of years. Unless you're a Scientologist then the universe has been around for trillions. Hail Xenu!

This book covers how we’re too dumb to understand God’s ways so the 6 days of creation and resting on the 7th don’t actually mean days because God can’t communicate clearly or something. It includes an awesome illustration of the garden of Eden perched on top of a mountain of people and dinosaur bones because since they know for a fact that the garden of Eden existed before God got around to making the animals for Adam to name it’s just silly to think about dinosaurs existing before 6000 years ago. If God is all-powerful and all-knowing why does he need to take a break? It actually hurt my brain reading this booklet.

If he was the first generation after Adam and Eve where did his lady friend come from?

If he was the first generation after Adam and Eve where did his lady friend come from?

In this book Ken Ham takes 29 pages trying to explain how Cain fucked his sister but that’s alright because God said so and that since Adam was perfect genetically all the problems involved with incest were minimal. I however find it funny that Christians are all perfectly fine with the fact that we’re all a bunch of inbred decedents from a bunch of brothers fucking their sisters. Also Adam lived to be 930 so he had a shitload of kids. I wasn’t aware that they had Viagra back then. With all Adam’s kids fucking each other it must have looked a lot like rural Arkansas.

Yes. Yes, it does.

Yes. Yes, it does.

This book is a little higher on the brain scale than these other travesties of proper thinking. It begins with an honest to goodness explanation of atoms, how carbon isotopes decay and their half lives. Then it gets into how scientists are assuming the earth is billions of year old and since this assumption is wrong it throws off the carbon dating math. This is an incredible example of bending real science to fit mythological beliefs. Most people don’t have strong backgrounds in science due to the absolutely terrible state of the public education system and when someone they trust starts burying reality under pseudoscience they often can’t tell the difference and take it as fact. It’s the same reason people believe the crap they see on their cable news channels. They lack the critical thinking skills to make up their own mind so they enjoy it when someone makes it up for them. I’m looking at you Faux News.

If so, where did all the water go? God drank it.

If so, where did all the water go? God drank it.

This book is hilarious. It claims that before the flood there was only one big continent so the animals could have easily walked to the Ark simply because God told them to. It also claims that only 16,000 to 35,000 animals were on board the ark and the rest (fish, insects, etc…) could have ridden out the storm on their own. Dinosaurs were definitely on board but “probably weren’t fully grown”. I would hope not. I’ve seen Jurassic Park 2 and know what a fully grown T-Rex can do to a ship. The reason fossil records are “wrong” is because the global flood buried everything very quickly. Also, God made man, but in his infinite wisdom made him wicked and therefore he had to kill everyone he had created. Makes perfect sense, but that might just be my wicked mind being manipulated by Satan.

They got tired of being vegans and ate each other after the flood.

They got tired of being vegans and ate each other after the flood.

Since the Bible is 100% fact and God created the animals with Adam and Eve on the sixth day he had to have created dinosaurs at the same time. Anything else doesn’t make sense! Obviously. It also discusses how sea monster legends and dragon myths are just bad information passed down over the years about dinosaurs hanging out with people. Also, after the great flood God said go ahead and eat animals so man and the other animals hunted them to extinction. It was a good thing they were saved on the Ark so they could be killed off later in a most delicious manner. The Flintstones are the most accurate representation of mankind’s history ever put on television.

Posted by Ian, filed under Atheism. Date: September 16, 2009, 8:44 pm | 11 Comments »

  • Anonymous Atheist

    Oih… my brain hurts…

  • Super Skeptic

    Good article. Ken Ham is a diluted man. Its almost a too easy target. He actually put his beliefs on the line in Penn & Teller's Bullshit, it was great.

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/IansBrain Ian

      Ken Ham also had a good segment in Bill Maher's movie Religulous at
      the Creationist Museum where these books originate from.

  • ELBSeattle

    Ken Ham would be a diluted man if he were swimming in the waters of the flood he insists happened. As it is, I think it is more accurate to say he is a deluded man.

  • Skuper-Septic

    oh SNAP!

  • Mark

    If god existed would we need to prove it, question it, fight over whos god is better? If the theists realised they are flooging a dead horse, trying to prove god exists surely they would have tangible proof by now? Well we are waiting for it

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/IansBrain Ian

      Exactly, when telling people you need to believe what they are saying
      or you will burn in eternal hellfire it would be nice to have some
      hard evidence to back up their fervor.

  • Mark

    Yeah a threat like that needs some sort of guarantee, doesnt it?

  • Darby

    One thing, the Bible wasn't written in the bronze age, but in the iron age. It claims to represent events that actually happened in the bronze age, but this is just one of the many anachronisms that demonstrate that it's obviously a work of fiction. The author of the book of Exodus, for example, clearly doesn't know there ever was a bronze age..or a time before people knew how to make iron. The time period of the story is stated to be in the bronze age, but people are working iron etc.

    Calling the bible the myths of bronze age goat herders gives it much more legitimacy than it deserves. These were iron age goat herders ;-)

    • Konraden

      Never actually considered that before. We don't need exodus to know that the writers knew nothing of what happened in the past, we have Genesis for that. But Iron Age goat-shepherds is even funnier.

      Thanks for the pro-tip.

  • Ujarak

    You have some interesting items here, but your biased, sarcastic, insulting comments make the article not worth reading.