A conversation should be like a mini-skirt. Short enough to be interesting but long enough to cover the details.

So I did some laundry last night and now all my clothes smell like hamburgers. WTF?

I light of Valentine’s Day coming up soon I decided to create the most romantic food known to man. Heart shaped bacon. 20 minutes and some cheesy slogans later I present the best Valentine’s Day cards ever.

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In the movie The Matrix they have a thing called the Contruct which they use for training and loading things they will need when jacking into the Matrix. When going to rescue Morpheus, Neo asks for, “Guns. Lots of guns.” If you had a program that would let you load in anything why would you go for just guns? Here’s a list of things that they could have loaded but didn’t.

1. A tank that fires napalm filled claymore mines covered in spikes.
2. Exploding bowling balls filled with piranhas.
3. A chain gun that fires tiny Fran Dreschers.
4. A fully automatic rocket launcher that fires flaming chainsaws that explode.
5. An automatic crossbow that shoots bolts with exploding tips filled with AIDS and Bird Flu.
6. “Mini ninjas. Lots of mini ninjas.”
7. A shotgun that fires a cloud of acid filled darts.
8. A catapult that launches Ebola filled livers.
9. A BFG9000.
10. A cannon that fires red hot chunks of chain.

As you can see the list could go on and on. I was hoping something like this would have been used in the sequels but as we all know those ended up being giant piles of flaming dog crap. How could you make a movie as awesome as The Matrix then follow it up with those bombs?

This is how you perform a trans-orbital lobotomy. You never know when this might come in handy so pay attention.

Step 1

The patient is made unconscious by administering electroshock to the head. Older patients should only take a single shock while younger patients may require numerous ones.

Step 2

After the patient is unconscious you must hurry since they will come out of it within a few minutes. Place a towel over the patients nose and mouth. Then pull the eyelids open as far as you can. Take an ice pick and force it into the eye socket right above the eyeball. Keep pushing till it enters the frontal lobe. 7cm in should be far enough.

Step 3

Now wiggle the ice pick around until the frontal lobe is disconnected from the thalamus. Repeat process on the other eye. Your patient will end up with two very severe black eyes so you may want to supply them with some dark glasses for them to hide the discoloration.

Get more info about lobotomies here.

“We’d like to thank you all for flying with us today and the next time you decide to go hurtling though the air in a large aluminum tube we hope you choose United Airlines.”

A few weeks ago I wrote a post about how the Cloverfield monster was really Conan O’Brien. Well it turns out I was duped too. The high octane previews that have been showing are really just a cover for what the movie is really about.
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Fill in the blanks to report a new story about Britney Spears going nuts. You’ll be doing it a lot so this will save you some time.

Britney Spears Spotted _______ing In _______

Britney Spears was photographed _______ing in a _______ _______. This is the _______ time that the _______ pop-star has been _______ _______ing in the last _______. Rumors of her _______ have been _______ for _______ and no one is more worried than the _______ close to her. After going into rehab _______ times and having her children’s _______ _______ _______ she has worried many people that she is on a _______ for a _______. After shaving her head, _______, _______, _______, and _______ she was seen driving her _______ down _______ street without her _______ on and her babies on the _______. More _______ about Britney is sure to come out soon so _______ _______ yourself.